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If 'The Two Towers' was set in Norrath
If 'The Two Towers' was set in Norrath:
IN ROHAN, JUST OUTSIDE GONDOR:
Aragorn: For Christ's sake. Not only are we out a wizard, but we're out our pally and *all* the hobbits.
Legolas: Boromir was a lewt whore anyway. Frankly, I'm glad he's gone.
Aragorn: We really need a full group if we're going to go into Rohan, though. Orcs hit hard, and we're going to need a healer or someone to charm the mobs.
Gimli: /shout 2 rangers and a warrior looking for healers, chanters, or nukers.
Eomer: You might want to hunt in another zone, friend. My guild is killing all the orcs, trying to spawn the war quest.
Aragorn: Thanks for the info. Hey, wait a second, I heard that your guild was disbanded!
Eomer: Our guild leader sold out to mysupersales.com. We all deguilded and started over. A rep from mysupersales.com is with the guild leader right now. They're trying to recruit. LOL
Aragorn: How l4m3!
Eomer: Tell me about it. Worse, he's still got a bunch of my RL sister's gear in the bank and is threatening to ebay it if she deguilds.
Aragorn: Anyway, you seen between 2 or 4 hobbits wandering around? We lost a few low-level rogues on our way to do the Sauron quest and were hoping they were bound around here.
Eomer: Orcs got em.
Aragorn. Damn. Wait! They're on track! No, never mind. They zoned. I think they were near some treants, so maybe they're doing a quest.
Gimli: /shout melees still looking for group
Eomer: We'd group with you, but we're full. Good hunting, friends. If you see my old guild leader, train him for me.
Aragorn: Absolutely.
* * *
MEANWHILE, NEAR MORDOR:
Frodo: Man, this sucks. There's zero blues in this zone and the only other players are high level PK's
Sam: But we've got such uber gear. We can take reds, right?
Frodo: You wanna fight a level 61 nazgul?
Sam: Uhmm...
Frodo: Expansion my ass. Next time, I'm rolling a froglok shaman. Shaman can solo, right?
Sam: What we really need is someone who can lead us through this mess... like Strider was doing after Gandalf died.
Frodo: Quit yer bitching or I'll disband and gate.
Sam: Rogues don't have gate, remember?
Frodo: Oh, right.
Gollum: Gives us backs our preciouses!
Frodo: Oh no. It's the ninja looter Bilbo told me about. Bilbo only got the ring because this guy couldn't get it first.
Gollum: We wantses to completses the Sauron questses for our epics! No we don't. We wantses the precious! No, we wants to finish the questses. Little hobbits help Smeagol finish the questses?
Sam: Wonderful. He's a roleplayer. I hate dealing with these guys.
Frodo: He also knows the way to the Mordor zone. I saw we put up with the RP crap so he'll lead us there.
Sam: First sign of ninja'ing, and he's out of the group.
Frodo: /agree.
* * *
IN THE FOREST:
Merry: Hail Treebeard.
Treebeard: Hello, little orcs. Have you come to [cut down the trees]?
Merry: What cut down the trees?
Pippin: I have come to cut down the trees.
Merry: Which trees the down cut?
Pippin: I will cut down the trees. I will cut down the trees for you. f**k. This isn't working for s**t.
Merry: We will cut down the trees. Keep trying. I hear this is a really good quest.
* * *
BACK IN ROHAN:
Gandalf: /shout 60 Wizard LFG
Aragorn: Gandalf! You're alive!
Gandalf: Funny story, that. I managed to fight the Balrog and actually kill him, but he DOT'd me. I was low on HP and couldn't get a heal, so I died just after the fight. Lucky for me, there's a clicky-stick cleric in our guild.
Legolas: WOOT! Epic clerics r0xx0rs!
Gimli: Now all we need is a healer.
Gandalf: Why don't we get Theoden? He's a pally and can LOH.
Aragorn: No good. Theoden's sold out to the dark side, Gandalf. We met some of his old guildies. They said he sold out to mysupersales.com.
Gandalf: Theoden? But we grouped together as newbies! I don't believe it.
Aragorn: We'll have to find him and see.
* * *
LATER:
Gandalf: Duel me, Theoden!
Theoden: What? Huh?
Aragorn: Something's wrong here. I think that Wormtoungue guy has hacked Theoden's account.
Gandalf: Wouldn't be the first time. I have heard some nasty things about him. Let's see... yup. He has several warnings on his account.
Gimli: How do you know that? You're a GM, aren't you?
Gandalf: Of course not.
Gandalf: /ban Wormtongue.
Gandalf: There, that should take care of things.
Gimli: You are a GM!
Gandalf: No I'm not!
Legolas: Even if he was, he couldn't tell you.
Theoden: What happened? It's been weeks since I was able to log in. Ever since I gave that nice Wormtongue guy my username and password to level my account, I've been having problems.
Legolas: Bad news, Theoden. Wormtongue works for a character auction website. He's taken over your guild forum and has caused the rest of your guild to disband.
Theoden: No! Crap! We have a raid on Helm's Deep scheduled.
Aragorn: Had.
Theoden: You don't understand. I've been arranging things on the phone. There's a guy doing the turn-in to spawn the orc invasion right now. If we're not at Helm's Deep by the time the orcs get there, everyone in the zone will be wiped out.
Gimli: /shout PICKUP RAID!
* * *
BACK IN THE FORSEST:
Merry: We are hobbits who will not to cut down the trees.
Treebeard: Wonderful! If you had been orcs, I would not have helped you. Do you know the [lore of the forest]? If not, I'll be happy to tell you all about it. We Ents are quite proud of our history.
Pippin: Finally. What lore of the forest.
Pippin: What lore of the forest?
Merry: Which lore of the forest?
Pippin: Please tell me the lore of the forest.
Merry: I want to learn the lore of the forest.
Pippin: SHOW ME THE DAMNED LORE OF THE FOREST ALREADY, YOU INFECTED PIECE OF s**t!
* * *
NEAR MORDOR:
Sam: I hate to say it, but we would have starved to death by now if it wasn't for Gollum's foraged rabbit meat.
Frodo: See, I told you he would help us.
Sam: One thing worries me, though. We haven't been getting any EXP. I think role-player here is stringing us along. I keep waiting for him to dispell us over a pit of lava or something.
Frodo: He's a good guy, I promise!
Gollum: Hobitses stay back! Evil gates guards there are. They wants to kill us, they do! They'ses all looking for my precious!
Frodo: Evil guards. Wonderful. I think we can sneak past them.
Sam: I don't have sneak!
Frodo: It'll be a piece of cake. I'll train them into the entrance and then you run after me.
Sam: I'll be slaughtered!
Frodo: It'll be good EXP. You were just bitching about experience, so let's go.
Sam: I don't wanna.
Faramir: If either of you so much as think about agroing the guards, I'll train you and blacklist you from every guild I can find.
Gollum: Uhoh. Meesa cast invis now!
Faramir: What? You two realize you're grouping with the most notorious ninja looter on the server, right? He tried to ninja the One Ring out from under from Bilbo on a dragon raid a while back. Wait a second, you're Frodo, the guy Bilbo gave the ring to when he quit.
Frodo: Cool, huh? Old man's playing Anarchy Online now. I hear he's a alien girl with huge--
Sam: Anyway, can you help us with the Sauron quest.
Faramir: Not likely. We need the ring for the Orc War quest.
Frodo: --nanobots.
* * *
INSIDE HELM'S DEEP
Gimli: This is the single most pathetic raid group I've ever been in.
Legolas: They'll have to hold.
Gimli: There are level 20's in banded out there.
Aragorn: Any warrior who can keep agro is a noble warrior.
Gimli: They're wielding fine steel! Don't you have to have magical weapons to kill orcs?
Legolas: That's undead.
Gimli: We're all gonna die. I hope Gandalf brings that epic cleric with him when he comes back.
Gandalf: The tactics are simple. We have to hold the fort and keep the orcs outside until Gandalf shows back up with his guild.
Theoden: /shout ORCS ARE HERE!
Aragorn: Ah, time to pop Trueshot.
Eowyn: Hi! You're cute. Wanna cyber?
Aragorn: Not now. Agroing orcs.
Celeborn: Level 61 Cleric LFG!
Lego: Yes! A cleric! Finally!
Aragorn: Woot! You're just in time. We got a mess o' orcs for you.
Celeborn: You have room for the rest of my guild?
Aragorn: Sure. Stand them right in front of the level 15 warrior in leather here.
* * *
ONCE AGAIN, BACK IN THE FOREST:
Treebeard. We ents do not [get involved]. We stand the test of time, regardless of what happens to us. The forest has always been here and it always will be.
Pippin: Give me the phat lewts!
Merry: That's not going to work, you know. What get involved? Which get involved. How do I get involved. We'd like you to get involved. Please get involved.
Pippin: /shout Level 21 rogue, LFG!
* * *
NEAR MORDOR:
Faramir: Crap! The little bastard trained us!
Gollum: See what we does to themses who doesn't gives us our precious?
Sam: No, Frodo! Don't go near the Nazgul!
Frodo: Look, I'm okay. The ring has a faction modifier on it.
Sam: Look at your HP, idiot! He's got an AOE DOT!
Faramir: L44 PAL LFG 2 KILL WW!
Frodo: Oh.
Sam: Anyway, this is the best time to get away from Faramir and try to get back into Mordor.
Frodo: Good point. Smeagol or Gollum or whatever the hell your name is, are you coming or not?
Gollum: We's just one train away from being able to loot the precious!
Frodo: Sam, I'm beginning to have second thoughts about Gollum.
Sam: What tipped you?
* * *
ONE LAST TIME IN THE FOREST:
Merry: Please, Treebeard, taketheforest's vengeance-upon the evil of, Wizard Sauruman.
Treebeard: At once!
Merry: Yess! Finally. We finally got the grammar, capitalization and punctuation right!
Pippin: Well, you win the award for beating your head against the wall, but I thought we were supposed to get some good gear from this quest.
Merry: Just a second. He's not quite done yet.
Treebeard: As soon as you [give the word], I and the other Ents will attack Isengard. Stay back, as there may be some collateral damage.
Pippen: We just have to say--
Merry: Don't say it yet.
Pippen: --And he'll attack! Sweet!
Merry: It looks like there might be some people camping orcs down there. We might really mess up some pulls if we start this right away.
Pippen: Screw em. I give the word, Treebeard! Attack!
Treebeard: YOU WILL NOT EVADE ME, SAURUMAN!
* * *
THE LAST STAND AT HELM'S DEEP:
Gimli: The cleric's down. We never had an enchanter. We're out of arrows. We've got the four of us and a level 13 druid. He can't even SOW us to run away. Everyone who could gate already did. Everyone else evacced.
Aragorn: This is when it gets fun!
Theoden: Looks like a total wipeout to me. Your friend Gandalf has an epic cleric on tap, right?
Aragorn: We'll be okay. I promise. Let's get out there and fight.
Legolas: I'm game. I've got a rogue alt for CR's.
Aragorn: Let's go. One last charge and everything will be cool. I promise.
Gimli: Okay.
Gandalf: Wizards of Middle Earth are in da house!
Eomer: Riders of Rohan rockin' with the Wizards!
Theoden: Oh. My. God. Every one of em's got horses.
Aragorn: Gandalf's guild has been around a long time. They've got quite a bit of money in the bank.
Legolas: Looks like your old guildies forgave you for going Ebay, Theoden.
Eomer: Hardly. We get first roll on all melee loot.
Gimli: There's no way they could all have shown up like that without a GM summon.
Aragorn: Let it go, Gimli. Let it go.
