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You'll probably notice as you run a SPHERE server that your players are divided into strict personality groups. I will attempt to sum a few of these up now, and how to deal with them:
THE GOOD GUY - This is one of the players who eventually becomes your friend. You don't have to deal with him, other than keeping everyone else at bay. He's one of the people who is assaulted (verbally and via PVP) by nearly everyone else in the game, simply because he is a decent person. Chances are, he has a few emotional problems, and will be temperamental at times. If you need help with anything, The Good Guy is the one to call. A typical conversation with The Good Guy goes something like this:
Player: "Hi! How are you?"
You: "Not too bad. One of the other players is driving me insane."
Player: "That's too bad, anything I can do to help?"
You: "I don't think so, sorry."
Other player: "Ghey! GM Assistance! KILL HIM!"
THE FLAMETHROWER - The Flamethrower likes to hang out on message boards and talk tough to everyone else. He rarely displays this aggression in-game when actually faced by those people. I tend to assume that these players are extremely insecure, as the faintest insult or presumed insult will send him off on a volley of taunts, rants, and strings of profanity that would corrupt the purest soul. Dealing with the Flamethrower is as difficult as talking civilly to him. He tends to tell you how horrible your server is, how bad your staff is, and how much you suck the dick of The Good Guy (see above). Then, he proceeds to ask you if he can be a staff member or offer advice on how you can improve your shard. The Flamethrower cannot go a single sentence without referring to excrement or homosexuality. These players have a very fragile grasp on reality. Logic fails. And, even though they hate your server and don't want to play there, they will always find a way around a ban, just to spite you. Here is a typical conversation with a Flamethrower:
You: "Hello"
Player: "FFS why didn't you fire GM Bob yet?"
You: "Because he does a good job."
Player: "$&$&!&!!! I could be a better fucking GM than fucking fuck fuck fuck fuck shit piss. DIE!"
You: "Calm down."
Player: "I am calm, you ghey mother fucker. Go lick a goat's penis. Rot in piss. You are the most biased admin I've ever seen. Your shard sucks monkey balls. I just told everyone on my ICQ list how horrible you are and now they're all going to leave! I will ruin you!"
You: "Why would you do that?"
Player: "Because ur a ghey fuck who has no idea how to run a balanced server!"
(See somethingawful.com's Guide to Message Boards for more information about The Flamethrower.)
THE BEST - This player believes that he is the greatest person ever to grace the surface of this planet, and will make absolutely certain that you and everyone else know it. He is part Flamethrower, in that he cannot possibly accept an insult. He uses phrases like "I own you" to insult other people, and argues to the point where everyone else gets sick of arguing with him. At this point, he will assume that he won the argument by his excellent skills in logic, and will declare that he owns everyone else. He will declare that he is the only normal person on the shard, except his friends, of course, and that everyone else must be some fat homosexual who sits around eating cheese curls all day, and will say this on every occasion. He stores Freudian slips in a .txt file, so he can cut and paste them as quotes into a conversation later. He also believes that because he can bench press 419082 pounds and plays football, you should be afraid of him, even though you might live on a completely different continent. He is rarely older than 16 years. This type of player is impossible to deal with, and your only hope is that they find somewhere else to play as soon as possible.
THE SCHIZOPHRENIC - This player is a combination between the Flamethrower and the Good Guy. You'll see him on the message boards, delightedly flaming everyone he comes into contact with. You'll see him in-game, cussing out some other player for some minor offense. But then, he will ICQ you and be completely civil, offering his services to help you in any way.
THE L33T - This player is something of a combination between the Best and the Flamethrower. In-game, they take pride in killing as many defenseless newbies as possible. They tend to stand in Britain Graveyard and kill anyone who enters, and then declare how l33t they are to their victims. Inevitably, someone who really knows how to play will come by and kill them. Because the l33t tend to cheat, standard PVP will not work against them. Therefore, when they lose, they automatically accuse the victor of cheating. The victor's name is spammed across the message boards as a cheater. The l33t tend to congregate into inpenetrable groups. One is only deemed worthy of their attention if they can also prove that they are l33t. If you are not l33t, according to a l33t person, you must be ghey. This leads us directly to...
THE GHEY - This is a l33tspeaker's term for anyone who is not l33t. (I like how Frontpage thinks that l33t isn't a word, because of the numbers, and so doesn't mark it as misspelled. I also like how Frontpage marks "Frontpage" as being misspelled.)
THE SPAMMER - This person will run around in-game shouting random obscenities at the other players. They will also post messages on the message boards filled with deep thoughts such as "OMG!" or "WTF!" or "Yes." Some will even go as far as posting the deepest of all thoughts: "Fuck you." They will be easily identifiable by their large post count and their devious manner. In-game, they tend to be "townies", meaning that they don't PVP, but merely stand around Britain bank. He will be hailed by The Flamethrower, but shunned by most others.
THE WANDERER - This person is one of your more intelligent players. Rather than playing the game to kill everyone else, and be the best, he simply plays the game to have fun. While he gets slightly angry when he dies, it isn't because of an ego problem. More likely, it is because he lost a spectacular item which he gained by fighting a dragon in the depths of some horrendous dungeon. These are the players that participate in quests that require a slight amount of thought, simply because they are more capable thinkers. As a result, they are also the bane of existence to The Best. The Best will try to insult The Wanderer by drawing him into a duel in-game, and throwing out novels of cowardice-based profanity when The Wanderer refuses. If you are running a roleplaying server, The Wanderer is the type of player you want. They also have a tendency to transform into The Good Guy after a month or two. Because they rarely say anything worth insulting, The Best will have a hard time finding reasons to argue with him. If The Wanderer does say something that others consider amusing, he can count on hearing about it for the next five months.
(NOTE: I am of this personality type.)
THE ASPIRING GM - Prepare for a non-stop onslaught of messages from this player, who desperately wants to offer his services as GM to your server. However, the Aspiring GM tends to be a transformation of either The Best or The Flamethrower, when those types realize that insults will get them nowhere with you. As a result, they make the least trustworthy staff members. They also don't seem to realize that trust is a major portion of having a staff member, and continue to beg. When you refuse them, they revert to whichever previous form they held, and begin barraging your ICQ with insults.
THE WHINER - This type of player will whine about everything known to man. When you tell him to stop whining, he will continue to whine that you should not tell him to stop whining. If you make a change on the server, they are the first to tell you that it was an unnecessary change, and that you should revert everything for him. Usually, though, it was at their suggestion that you implemented the modifications. They typically will resort to flamethrowing when their attempts at whining meet with failure.
THE L33T SCRIPTER - This person believes that he is the greatest scripter in the world. He will submit scripts written by others as his own work, and will hope that you don't notice. These people tend to arrive on shards with admins who depend on third-party scripting. These shards have an official "scripter" who is constantly becoming frustrated with his job. Therefore, the L33t Scripter will hound him for his unprofessional work, and destroy his last ounce of self-esteem. In the end, newer shards end up hiring the L33t Scripter who then uses his newfound powers to destroy the server.
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